10 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming Pregnant
I’m currently in my last few weeks of pregnancy and beyond all of the changes that come with growing a human, this year has been unpredictable and has brought on a lot of necessary personal growth for me. I got laid off when I was 5 months pregnant, thought I was going to be able to start a business with a friend, had just moved into a new apartment, was the maid of honor in a wedding, and had really gotten used to being someone who always had something going on or that they were working towards. Life sort of halted for me career-wise and socially once I lost my job, and as my mind and body continued to change with pregnancy, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on and processing the things I wish I had known before I became pregnant. Here are the top 10 things I wish I had known before embarking on this beautiful and challenging new journey.
1. Some Friendships Will Change or Dissolve Altogether
I’ve always prided myself on being a good friend and being there for the people I love. I don’t think I’m going to win any awards for the way I’ve chosen to show up for my friends, but I do think the people I cherish know how much I love and care for them. However, pregnancy has changed this for me. I’m sure I had heard little tidbits about this being a possibility when becoming pregnant, but it was more so related to lifestyle differences or a change in pace of life. What I didn’t expect was it to materialize out of my own mental space or grievances, and that the mere reality of being pregnant would change the way I interact with and perceive people who I’ve had in my life for years.
It doesn’t feel great to admit this, but it’s the truth. Whether it be because chemically a pregnant woman’s brain changes, or because I’ve just had an emotional change of heart… there are people I truly cannot share space with anymore. However, I do think it can be more common to have friendships change after giving birth, especially with those in your life who don’t have children, because it’s such a radical shift in priorities and how you spend your days. I wish I had more clarity into this being a possibility in the beginning of my pregnancy because it took up a ton of mental space and I really did beat myself up over it for far longer than I should have.
2. There Will Be People Who Won’t Know How to Support You
I think there are a lot of misconceptions and preconceived beliefs about what it looks like socially to be pregnant. You make other pregnant friends, your current friends are there for you 100%, your family backs you in every decision, you have a remarkable doctor and birth team, your partner understands what you’re going through, and everything is perfect. At least for me, most of this wasn’t true. I was bombarded with trauma stories of people’s unfortunate labor experiences, asked intrusive and out-of-line questions, stopped attending social events, and in turn became very reclusive and often felt very unheard and alone. I became very resentful very early on and decided to stop talking about my experience or situation with people because nine times out of ten, it left a bad taste in my mouth.
I attempted conversations about this with the people closest to me after struggling with it, and in the end, I resolved to the fact that people support you the best they can. However, if this is your first pregnancy and you don’t have a strong support system, I would make it a priority to ensure you have these conversations or seek out a support team early in your pregnancy so as not to have to deal with these things as you get further along. Make sure you are clear on what support looks and feels like to you, because when you’re in the emotional trenches of pregnancy, explaining what you need can feel like climbing Mount Everest.
3. It Can Be a Lonely Experience
From a social perspective, this was one of the most surprising things for me during my pregnancy. I expected that everyone would be super invested in my pregnancy, want to do things together to celebrate and commemorate the pregnancy, and that the months leading up to birth would be full of happy and memorable experiences. However, I realized two things after I announced my pregnancy – people care a lot about the baby, not a lot about you, and you may not want to share these moments or experiences with anyone else. It was jarring for me to realize these things, that people would be more concerned about voicing their opinions on baby names, clothing items, or when they could meet the baby rather than how I was holding up or processing this sometimes terrifying new chapter. I was asked more often about how big my baby was or what my favorite names were than I was ever asked about how I was mentally coping with one of the most challenging years of my life while also navigating pregnancy.
Not wanting to share a lot of my pregnancy moments might have been a reaction to this, but it felt innate. It’s one of the most vulnerable phases of life as a woman, and it’s very hard to feel connected with others especially when you’re struggling with support or coping with the transition as a whole. My biggest piece of advice would be to know if you do experience this, you’re not alone in it. Unfortunately, a lot of pregnant women end up feeling very alone in their pregnancies, but I’ve reframed a lot of these feelings into understanding and learning myself more while cherishing the last moments of my life not tied to motherhood.
4. The Anxiety Can Be Never Ending
I’m a nervous person by nature, I worry and overthink and can spiral mentally if left to my own devices. I truly had no idea the way pregnancy would trigger and heighten these tendencies until I was in the thick of it, and I can only thank my lucky stars that I had continued my normal therapy sessions throughout the months leading up to birth as I don’t know what my mental state would have looked like without it. I earnestly hope that this is not the reality for everyone, but going off of my own experience as well as being a part of two separate due date groups, this seems a lot more common than expected.
So the honest truth about pregnancy and becoming a mom? It’s exactly what your mom told you when you thought she was being silly for you not picking up your phone or staying out late, “you’ll understand when you have kids of your own.” Becoming a mother comes with a never-ending evolution of worries that does in fact start when you learn you’re pregnant, and unfortunately, doesn’t really stop. I spent a lot of time while pregnant trying to find the solution to mitigating my worries and getting them under control, but I want to express how normal and innate this is to motherhood. You aren’t crazy, you’re going to be a great mom.
5. Your Cravings Might Be Emotional
I never woke up in the middle of the night because I wanted a specific flavor of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream or needed my partner to pull over at a 7-Eleven because I needed a slushie, but I did need a hell of a lot of validation, affirmation, and effort from the people around me. Prior to pregnancy I was the CEO of never asking for help and could sing any song related to a woman being independent in my sleep, but pregnancy is vulnerable, and I needed emotional security more than anything else in the world. I do hope you’re not like me, and that your cravings and needs only go as far as a gooey brownie or ice-cold coke, but if you are, please find comfort in knowing this is par the course.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace, so many of us can be so hard on ourselves while navigating the raging hormones, changing body, evolving brain, and the fatigue that comes with this process. Ask for what you need from who you need it, learn that it’s okay to not be able to do everything alone, and that you’re already superwoman enough for bringing life into this world!
6. It’s a Crash Course in Boundary Setting
There will probably never be another life event you encounter that will have people crossing boundaries you didn’t even know had to exist besides pregnancy. The ones I dealt with the most were:
- Sharing traumatic birth stories
- Touching your stomach
- Ridiculing your name choices
- Planning to meet your baby without being invited
- Feeling entitled to give their opinions on your wishes for the birth
- Telling you that your baby will come premature, be too big, or that your stomach is big
- Commenting on your appearance
- Saying your baby is “their baby”
I felt like I had stepped into the twilight zone. I wish I had been more confrontational and upfront about the things that bothered me early on, but I was overly emotional and felt like I was overreacting. Some people might be fine with all of these things and more, but for me, it felt really invalidating and put a lot of strain on the relationships I had with people. If you’re comfortable telling people what’s what, pregnancy will be your best opportunity in life to do so.
7. You’ll Need to Do Your Own Research and a Lot of It
I don’t know why I initially thought that if I had the right provider I’d have a really easy time making decisions and knowing what I wanted out of my pregnancy and then birth, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. My experience working with both an OB as well as Midwives at a birth center is that even the most well-attuned and intentioned provider will not ensure you know everything you need to know or that you’ll feel empowered to make the choices required of you when they arise.
You’ll need to spend a lot of time figuring out what you want your birth to look like, what interventions you’re comfortable with, who you want at your birth, if you want a Doula or support person, what medical treatments you’re okay with, and so much more. I encourage everyone who’s pregnant to enroll in as many different childbirth classes as you can and read as many books as you can stomach. There’s so much information out there and you really do need to be your and your baby’s biggest advocate when making decisions.
8. There Are 100 Decisions You Make Prior to Birth
This is a follow-up to number seven, but I didn’t realize how many decisions you’d have to make before giving birth. If this is your first baby and you haven’t been super close to someone else who shared their pregnancy journey with you, you might find yourself in a similar boat. I remember thinking in the beginning of my pregnancy that I’d obviously have to make a decision regarding my care provider and then towards the end would have to decide on things like an epidural. What I didn’t realize was that there were going to be dozens of decisions I’d have to make along the way, and that making each of those decisions would feel like trying to build a spaceship from scratch. Okay really – it’s not that hard or serious most of the time, but coming from someone who had a mental breakdown over a week-long period because of how many stroller options are available, it can feel like you’re losing your mind.
My biggest suggestion would be to start on things sooner than you think you need to and refer to online resources as much as you can. Whether it be about car seats, choosing a pediatrician, planning a baby shower, or the best diapers to buy, there are so many guides online that are meant to make this process easier so you don’t stress yourself out over the small stuff.
9. Your Relationship Might Falter
While I hope this isn’t the case for anyone, I wanted to put this here just because pregnancy is really hard on the brain and body and can put a lot of strain on a relationship. I don’t relish in saying you don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant unless you’ve experienced it, but it’s true, and sometimes our counterparts really cannot understand what we’re going through. If I could go back to the beginning of my pregnancy, I’d make it a point to share more frequently what I was experiencing both physically and mentally and find resources online to help my partner better understand what this was like for me. There were many times I couldn’t find the proper words, and sometimes I didn’t even have a reason, for the extreme emotions I was feeling, and this was confusing and tough for my partner at times as he didn’t know how to help.
If you find yourself in a position where your relationship is struggling during your pregnancy, know that this is normal and not an indication that anything is really wrong. This is a transition for both of you, and there’s no rule book on how it should go. As long as you are safe, just know that this is a phase that will pass and oftentimes, your relationship will come out stronger on the other side.
10. You Will Never Love Anyone or Anything the Same Way
I wanted to stay away from the word “more” here, even though that may be true for a lot of moms, but I do think it will ring true across the board that the love you have for your baby, even when you’re seven weeks pregnant, will be a love you’ve never experienced. It took me a while to realize all of the new feelings and fears I was dealing with on a day-to-day basis were born out of the immense love I had for the child I was growing, it felt strange to consider myself a mom during pregnancy, but the way my brain was changing made it evident I very much was. Your instincts and impulses as a mother don’t kick in once your baby is born, they start way before that, and your urge to protect and provide for your child is as innate as your need for water and food.
It was important for me to remember this as I went through my pregnancy and new fears and worries popped up, I had to surrender to the process and remind myself often that everything I was scared of was born out of the love I had for my baby. Appreciate this, and know that the same rings true for the reverse, your baby will never love anyone or anything the way they’ll love you.
Whether you’re in week four or week thirty-four, it can feel like you’re fighting time trying to figure out everything there is to know and if you’ve done everything you can to prepare yourself. While these are the top ten things I wish I had known before becoming pregnant, there’s no way to know it all and the only thing you need throughout this process is you and your body. You’re way more prepared and equipped than you think to take this on, and if you feel lost or don’t know what to do in the journey, know that we’ve all been there and are all just doing our best.
I wish you the best in your pregnancy and a safe and healthy birth. You’ve got this!
With love,
